i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
