Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
