I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
