i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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