guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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