After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
