i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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