You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
