12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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