I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
