Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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