Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
