You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
