I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
