u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
