I just made out with a guy for $7.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
