Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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