I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I need moral support for this bender
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
