cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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