I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
