I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
