Who did Billy Mays play for?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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