gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
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