I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
