there was a trapeze. enough said
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
