i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
