so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
