I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Mom said you looked used
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
