if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
