Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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