I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He has the fingertips of a God
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