I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
