and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You did what with his pubic hair?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
