how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
