I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
