when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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