The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
