You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
