Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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