those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
