Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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