We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
