Where is the hickey?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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