I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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