Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
My liver just had a heart attack.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
