There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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