I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
