Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
