I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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