Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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