im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
