I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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