The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
