Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
