Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
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I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
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I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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