Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
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I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
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they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.