my phone needs a breathalizer
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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