My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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