i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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